I have always been a self-conscience and sensitive person.
However, as I age, I tend to have more confidence and (somewhat) thicker skin.
Then the last 2 years happened. Thyroid disorder caused weight gain. And if there is ANYTHING I am particularly sensitive about, it is my weight. I have managed it well by eating health foods and loving cardio-vascular exercise, so its is not out of control… but I am still 20lbs more than I think I should be. On top of that (because of thyroid disorder???), I can’t seems to conceive a child. It feels like all of my accumulated confidence has been replaced with an overabundance of sensitivity.
And so I proceed through my life sensitive to any word or action, and assume the worst from everything. Sometimes the logical side of my brain can compensate and convince the emotional part that is ridiculous to think that that was a personal attack on my. Other times I can’t seem to let go. The discussion goes loosely as follows
Emotion: “Why is it that ___ didn’t go to my birthday get together? She must find me a debbie downer and she doesn’t want to hang out out with me ever again.”
Logic: “She still thinks you’re great, but had a sick kid/work obligations/something else perfectly rational”
Emotion: “Well, maybe, but I still need to stew…”
Again, I think the balance between logic and emotion, and which one wins, have everything to do with my cycle. Now, for example. I am about to start my period, after the longest luteal phase ever. Yep, 19 days, brought to you via the clomid challenge test and a bit of supplemental progesterone. (With nothing, I have a 12 day LP) The worst part is that it allowed for so much stinkin’ hope to get in there. And it is just now, this hour, being crushed by the little pink calling card I find, which signals red coming soon.
I’m going to bake myself a birthday cake. Happy freaking birthday, mama. You’re barren.